Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A Pretender

In the very depths of my mind I often feel like I am a pretender. I feel that one day someone will say to me 'You are really crappy at that.' Then I will have to confess that I have been pretending all along. I very rarely allow myself to feel successful and worthy.

Maybe this is due to my own personality - I am somewhat of a perfectionist and I am well aware of my own inability to be perfect. Maybe this is due to a childhood where my efforts were never quite good enough. I'm not sure of the origin of these thoughts. Nor do I believe that they are necessary, but they some times exist. I don't even believe that external affirmation is needed to make me feel any different. My own mind causes these thoughts.

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed. The verbal attack which I endured recently left me a little shaky. Changes are afoot in my family as my son has begun his teenage years and my daughter finishes high school. I think a lot about these things and at times they are difficult to rationalise.

I wasn't going to post tonight at all. That was until I saw Nutmeg's post in which she nominates me for a Thinking Blogger Award. I feel honoured by that. I know that what I write here is well-considered before I press the publish button and I am glad that others are able to see that.

Thanks Nutmeg, you just made my day!

A voice behind me just said, "If that's what you think then you're a dork!" Oh yeah, have kids people, they'll bring you back to earth with a thud every time!


Stomper Girl said...

You know, I think you're going to have to lock your kids OUT of the computer room!

I quite often feel like that too if it's any comfort. Any day now I'll be exposed as a fraud. Actually I mostly think everyone already know I am a fraud and they're just humouring me because they feel sorry for me.

A lot of the time it's hormonally induced. (Why God Why? Do we need hormones to make us feel like that?!)

I think a nomination was well-deserved. You blog and comment so well. Yay you.

meggie said...

Yes, Tracey, Congratulations. You blog so well, & I love reading your thoughts.
And it appears, you look beautiful too!

kirsty said...

Kids. They're just dumb.
That's the best retort I can think of. I guess I'm not a thinker. But you definitely are - nice nomination :)

Btw, I meant to ask you about that incident, on Sunday morning and now I'm kicking myself because I forgot! The curiosity kills me.

nutmeg said...

I love your picture - you and your daughter are so very similar yet different- two beautiful women.

See. This is why I nominated you! I'm glad it added "a little something" to your day.

As to the perfectionism thing; I think it was H&B that said perfectionism is "so limiting". And that pulled me up for a minute. I've been that way my whole life - but the word "limiting" threw me. But it's so true. When I can do something well I keep doing it until it's perfect. BUT when I'm not good at something I give up very easily - I'm therefore not expanding my world. And lately I've seen the exact same trait in the diva. It really is a topic that I'm mulling over everyday now.

Oh and yes. Even though it IS the hardest job I've ever done (and I'm sooooo NOT perfect at it - that's why it troubles me on a daily basis) having children was something I needed to do. They so drag me out of my comfort zone - and slip in the odd "home truth" - even at ages 5 and 2 ;-)

Sussanah said...

Pssst, everyone is faking.

Anyone who says they are completely happy is either a complete fucking loon OR is highly medicated, or most likely a highly medicated complete fucking loon.

You are creative. Nothing good in art, music or literature came from happy well adjusted satisfied people. (Case in point, happy art = Ken Done "shudder") Embrace the fear, indulge the darkness, stand on the scary edge of uncertainty - because it is what makes you a creative soul.

PS OR it could all be agent orange.

Tracey Petersen said...

stomper - we have the computers in an open space so that I can keep a check on what my children are doing, but that seems to be biting me on the bum at the moment! (I read over her shoulder too...just for her own protection)
Meggie - you are too kind
Kirsty - yes they're dumb, but I wouldn't be without them
nutmeg - I actually edited my daughter out of this photo (mean, eh) but I will go back and post the whole photo for you to make a comparison
sussanah - I am the only one born pre-agent orange. It explains your problems but not mine. The darkness makes art, good point

Anonymous said...

You're a spaz.

The only reason you're a perfectionist is because you have to prove to yourself how perfect you are.
We all know that you're perfect and we can accept your faults too.
We already know you're crazy.

And I don't say dork. That's clearly a pre-agent orange term.

Tracey Petersen said...

Great you've learnt how to comment! I used dork because I thought it less offensive than your term. Oh, and you're grounded until you're 30.

My float said...

I feel like that too.

But what if I told you that you make beautiful quilts (so you're creative and artistic), and you have terrific kids (except for the wise cracking one, send them off to boarding school pronto) and you have created a wonderful life? Oh, and you're beautiful too. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have created so much. Stomper Girl is right - hormones suck. Alright, she didn't exactly say that, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm sure she'll agree!

Gina said...

Faking becomes ingrained in our teenage years and we spend the rest of our lives trying to "unfake" ourselves since we've forgotten who we were originally. Some of us get back to that person. Some never do. I'm still trying.'re not along. I love your blog. Found through h&b.

Gina said...

I meant alone.
you're not alone.

di said...

I love by the motto "fake it till you make it". I still haven't made it...and probably never will...but it's fun trying! You deserve the nomination write a great blog! Congratulations.

Nic Bridges said...

I feel like that often too. I have been told that is commonly called "imposter syndrome". I have been working to improve my self esteem and see myself as a person who is worthy of the accolades my hard work has earned. It's a constant battle, but worth the effort.

h&b said...

I'm a big pretender.

I often have to 'take days off' to recover from my big fat lie of a life ;)